This post is spontaneous

As you can tell by the title, I haven’t planned this post – deliberately. I’m having a day which is rather common for me, where I have no physical energy but lots of mental energy. It comes as a result of depression, usually when I haven’t slept much (definitely have not recently), yet my brain is working on overdrive.

In some ways, I love these days – emotionally, I feel capable of anything, even before I’ve taken my meds. I spoke with a friend this morning about our dissertations, and third year, where I rambled about how much I’m looking forward to it, how excited I am. Not that this is untrue, I am excited. It’s just that in this particular mood I feel capable of doing all of my reading right now! Obviously this isn’t possible, which is what causes the frustration which comes alongside these energetic bursts.

Imagine that feeling you get when you have to get up super early to go on holiday. When you’re exhausted, but because you’re traveling it’s all worth it, and the excitement propels you out of bed? It’s like that, but without the propellor part. While your body remains totally heavy and lethargic, your mind is racing at a hundred miles an hour. Even as I write, I’m finding it difficult to type fast enough to get my thoughts down – you guys would be in for a treat if I didn’t proof read my posts!

It’s frustrating. When your mind moves faster than your body, it’s extra annoying when you can’t get everything done – which is bad enough when your depression makes you annoyed enough at yourself for not being able to complete basic tasks. Often on these days, I slip in hyper-planning mode, knowing that I won’t achieve any of these tasks right now, but instead “I’ll do it when I have energy”. Meaning I’m left with extensive plans and ideas of things to do, but when I finally have the energy to do them, I have no motivation left. It’s an exhausting cycle.

(Then brain fog settled in and I lost all train of thought, so if I lose the flow in the conclusive paragraphs, that’s why)

Due to this hyperactive motivation, I also have a tendency to commit to things that I don’t actually have the energy to do. Which is annoying for everyone involved, and usually results in needing a day or two doing nothing to recover, but is still preferable than doing nothing and feeling as though I’m wasting my motivation. Just don’t expect me to write a 10,000 word dissertation in a day, okay? It’s not going to happen.

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