My neurotransmitters don’t work

I’m writing this post as a distraction from the pile of work I have left to complete before I’ll be on holiday – after all of my friends from home are getting ready to head back to their respective uni’s for the summer term. For the second year in a row, I have struggled between being so excited for the holidays and being frustrated that there’s hardly going to be anything to look forward to once my friends have gone back to uni – which will be a week or two after I get home. But I can’t help but feel a small sense of relief. I can’t let anyone down if there’s nobody around to make plans with…

Because that’s how my brain works. That’s how the brain works when you have a mental illness which is constantly attempting to convince you that you’re not worth anything. Its been over-explained and mis-understood for so long, but while this post makes it seem that I don’t want to socialise and communicate with anyone, it’s actually the polar opposite. My neurotransmitters don’t work, and sometimes all I can do is isolate myself in an attempt to stop my mental illness from making me believe that I’m a burden to my friends, and that by being in a social situation I’m being annoying.

I couldn’t even count the number of times I have sent a message to a friend after seeing them to apologise for my behaviour, unsure if I’ve even done anything wrong, just because I feel it’s necessary. To not do so would trigger my anxiety for the rest of the day. Yet then comes the second wave – what if they’re just saying that?? What if they just feel sorry for you??

Worst case scenario after worst case scenario. Lose-lose situation. Nobody likes you. You’re a failure. They just pity you.

Your mentally ill friend is struggling. They’re trying their best, but that won’t always be the ‘best’ you expect from your average person. If you don’t hear from them for a while, they haven’t forgotten you. Most likely, they probably think its the opposite.

Your mentally ill friend doesn’t need to be treated like they’re breakable. They need honesty and understanding, to be included as though nothing is wrong without being pressured to pretend that nothing is wrong.

I’m not really sure what the outcome of this post is intended to be, but I needed to write tonight. I hope that it’s been an insightful read.



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