First up, I’m not going to apologise for not writing anything in a while. Honestly, I have had 0 motivation recently, and I absolutely refuse to blog when I don’t feel like it. This is my hobby, my own personal therapy. I’m not going to push myself when I don’t have anything to say, because I don’t want to start hating doing this too. I love writing my blog, and not writing anything is a horrible feeling – so I hope that’s reason enough for you all to not hate me for not writing (though it’s probably a long shot to think that anyone really notices/is particularly bothered if my posts aren’t routinely published, since I don’t actually have a schedule).
As I said, I have had absolutely no motivation recently – for anything. The past fews months have seen even the most basic tasks take the backseat as living and breathing has become increasingly taxing. My old meds weren’t working for me anymore, so I started new ones… right in the middle of deadline season. I had a couple of negative encounters with ‘support’ services at the university, which set me back emotionally as well, and obviously the deadlines themselves have been a drain to my energy levels … and I have yet to even complete all of them.
As the academic year draws to a close, the work is piling up, and my energy levels are falling down, down, down. I have missed typing out train of thought posts and all and any hours of the day, and it feels so good to be back at it. I have been trying to draft out posts, but the mental block and ‘brain fog’ have pretty much wiped out any creativity in me.
As a final note, I’ll mention a couple of side effects of my new medication (citalopram 20mg, for anyone who’s interested) which has affected my writing also; I’m constantly exhausted, and my overactive brain has been churning out some of the weirdest and most vivid dreams I’ve ever had – which is tiring for someone who usually doesn’t dream at all, or at least remember what I’ve dreamt. The most frustrating side effect however, is probably the weird appetite. Swinging like an over-enthusiastic pendulum (alright, I know that’s a rubbish metaphor, I’m knackered give me a break), trying to find the one food that will satiate me when I’m suddenly ravenous, after wanting to throw my guts up after even thinking about food, has been the sole occupier of my spare brain space for the past week or so.
Final final point is actually a positive to leave you all on – this past weekend I took my housemates to visit a small corner of England that I have a complicated relationship with, and it was beautiful to see their reactions to everything I had to show them. But that is for another day and another post, because it deserves its own, happy space.
Now I’m actually getting some sleep for once, goodnight from this exhausted attempt at human life.