High Functioning Depression

High Functioning Depression is pushing yourself to just type three more points of your essay, misspelt because you can’t see the keyboard through your tears, because you need to  finish that bit of work so that you can relax.

High Functioning Depression is staying up until the early hours to make sure you have everything prepared for the following day, despite then being too exhausted to put any of your preparation to use. It’s then feeling like a failure because ‘what was the bloody point?’.

High Functioning Depression is getting an average of 2 hours sleep in a 44 hour period (and beyond) because the negative thoughts keep you awake all night, but you force yourself to get up every morning because the negative thoughts of failing cannot become a reality.

High Functioning Depression means public panic attacks when you realise you can’t go with your friends because you’re terrified that not running home to do work will ruin your chance at a good grade, which would ruin your chance at a good degree, and you may as well drop out now because you’re going to fail.

High Functioning Depression is laughing along when your friends joke about how stressed they are, and pretend to listen to their advice while you continue to push yourself as hard as you can.

High Functioning Depression is hard work. It is pushing your body to attempt to override your depressive symptoms. It is being terrified of failure, being seen as a hard worker, being seen as healthy and successful when the reality is that you feel that you’re screaming at the world from behind a soundproof mask painted with a smile.

High Functioning Depression needs to be noticed. It’s time for the mask to come off.

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